What if?
by olitzalltheway
Summary: Will she allow herself to love or will power win out?
1. I am here

She felt it. Strongly. Urgently. Demanding. It burned in her. Starting slowly, now grown into a ragging fire. It eroded her inside. Blinding hot.

Power.

Either you have it or you don't. And Olivia had it. All of it. President Mellie Grant signed the papers, but never without her approval. Everybody knew it. She had all of Washington catering to her. All of Washington vying for her attention and favor.

Nobody had her favor but one. That someone was not there anymore. She missed him everywhere she went. Whether she was at home , at work or out on a jog. He was always on the back of her mind, always in her dreams. He was always her What if. This time she had asked him to stay, but he had left. Like she had always left. And she couldn't blame him really. She had waited untill the last day to ask him to stay, when he had work and commitments already lined up.

She sat at her desk in her office next to the oval. She was going over some papers that she needed to finish, but her mind was drifting. She thought of their last time making love together. It had been five weeks ago, the day of the inauguration. Had their night be full of agressive satisfactions, that morning was for gentle, slow lovemaking. They had kissed slowly, savering the contact. She had heard him ask to look at him. And she had. Into his blue eyes;so intense; who always made her come undone. Who had always read her so well. He had told her he loved her. She had held him close, never wanting to let go. He had kissed away her tears. Emotions she rarely let out, less she fall apart. Only he brought out everything in her :Love, passion, anger, kindness . It was all consuming.

She sighted and continued reading her notes. Her cellphone rang. She answered without looking : " What."

"Hi", she heard on the line and time stood still for a second. Her heart sped up. She felt flushed and breathed in deeply before she responded :" Hi."

And just like that she was drawn in, back into the richness of his voice. " I am coming to D.C. for a few days for meetings...i was wondering if you had a spare bed for me to sleep on...or if i should book a hotel." She grinned : " I don't have a spare bed." He was flustered : " Right, ok, sorry i asked. I..." "Fitz", she interrupted, " Let me finish, i don't have a spare bed, but i do have a kingsize bed, that's very lonely without you in it." He laughed relieved : " I believe i remember that bed, miss Pope...It is a very comfortable bed indeed. " She smiled and teased him : " Fit for a president...". "Hmmm...i mostly remember not sleeping in your bed, Livvie ". She had to catch her breath and responded : " I hope you don't sleep too much tomorrow night , Fitz ". He smiled :" I hope so too, baby...how about i pick you up from work around 8 ? Let me take you to dinner ?"

She colored. He was going to come to the White House to take her out to eat? She nodded her head : " See you at 8 pm ... i think i can get you a day pass ...". She was rewarded by his laugh and he said " see you tomorrow Liv", before he hang up.

The next day she kept herself busy. She kept looking at her watch, willing the time forward. Around 7.55 pm her secretary told her she had a visitor. "Send him in, please ",Olivia responded, standing bend behind her desk, putting away her paperwork. "Hello, I came to take you out to dinner ", she heard and she looked up startled: "Jake...go home to your wife". He came near and put his hand on her back :"Come on, Liv, i miss you, we can have a meal and than go to your place..." She walked away and with her hand to her forehead she sighted : " Jake, this is the last time i am telling you. No. I do not want to go out with you. I do not miss you. I do not want you back. I love you as a friend, always have and never has it been more. You know im in love with Fitz . Just go please." Jake looked sullen and challanged her :" He is not here... i am. I'm always here for you." "Actually, i am here", _his_ voice sounded and she turned to look into his eyes. Those soulful blue eyes, who came closer and before she knew it he softly kissed her lips..She pulled him closer and kissed him more deeply, something he responded to with passion. He kissed her so thoroughly that she moaned. Jake was embarrassed. Never had she sounded like that with him. Never had he seen the longing on her face as when she had seen Fitz walk to her. He finally got it through his thick head that she really never saw him the same. She truly only loved the man in her arms. He walked away. Not that Olivia or Fitz noticed, too wrapped up into each other, too happy to feel themselves touching and kissing again. He finally came up for air :" Are you hungry, baby?"..She nodded once:" Yes, im ready to go ", she grabbed her bag and with her other his hand. They walked into the hallways of the White House and she noticed left over people staring at them. They had always been so private during his term. And it wasn't every day that they saw the former president of the United States back in the White House.

He took her to a little Italian restaurant, not too far from her home. They enjoyed their meal with talk and soft touches. She looked at him with a bitter sweet smile:" We finally get normal, Fitz. He nodded his head :" We deserve it,Liv. That only took 10 years." After the meal, they walked to her apartment, he had his arm around her shoulders. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so relaxed. When they got to her place, he used his key to open the door and they watched the news, before going to bed. She snuggled up to him, he kissed her gently and they fell asleep peacefully. They didn't make love, yet she had never felt closer to him before.


	2. Who are you?

In the morning she woke up and noticed that he was awake too. Most of the time she was the one who woke up first, unless something was bothering him. She snuggled closer to him ; wrapping her arm around his chest :" What's wrong?"

He kissed her hair and smiled a little :" I don't know, I'm happy to be here with you."

She sighted : " I'm happy you are here too, Fitz, i missed you."

He held her face in his hands and gave her a lingering kiss : " Why is it never the right time for us, Livvie? " She pulled away a little bit, sat up straight : " Fitz, i won't give up my career for you. It's who I am." He shook his head : " Wrong Liv, you don't know who you are yet...B613...really? "

She got up out of bed, immediatly on the offensive :" It's what you wanted...you aren't made out to be command. "

"You are right", he started," but neither are you...you are not your parents Liv, you deserve more than that". "You don't know what you are talking about", she sneered.

He looked at her, frustrated but calm: " " Please come back to bed, baby" . For a few seconds she was decideless, than she gave in and went back into his arms : "Let's not talk about that." He started kissing her and murmered : " I actively don't want to talk right now, i would like to make love to my girlfriend instead". She let the girlfriend comment slide and gave into her feelings. Making love with Fitz was always one of her priorities too, no matter how messed up she was.


	3. Walls

They made love and it was both lovely and bittersweet. She never had a lover as attentive as him and he still knew how to make her feel special. In turn she also knew how to drive him crazy and feel loved at the same time. They truly felt like they where made for each other , body and soul. But Olivia's past had seriously damaged her ability to love freely. The only time she had somewhat tried was before he had been elected President of the United States. And he had always been hers in soul, but not on paper, not in public. By the time he had finaly divorced his political wife Mellie, Olivia had already given up. He just wasn't meant to be hers, no matter how much she might have wanted him to be. When they gave it a lukewarm try, when he had moved her into the White House, it had only pointed out their faults and mistakes even more.

Yet while she felt him kiss her body ; while she responded in kind by kissing him back, she couldn't help but realize that she truly loved this man. Every time they made love he made her feel like their first time. Consuming, adored, loved, special, beautiful. She held his face in her hands and made him look at her. He smiled softly : "Hi". She smiled back and spoke softly :" I love you, Fitz ". He easily told her he loved her too. She kissed him and clung to him. She murmered :" No matter what, don't ever let go of me, ok? One day we will get it right". His response was honest and simple :"Ok."

They finaly had to get ready for their respective work days and went their separate way for the day. The whole day she was distracted, she had to concentrate to do her job right. During her quick lunch brake she suddenly thought about having a baby. It invaded her mind out of nowhere. What if she would have a baby during this time of her life? Sure, she was a power house as always in her job. She was the job. She was not mother material. She was hopeless at giving and receiving love. Yet she thought of a baby growing up and could see a girl with his eyes and his loving nature. But his eyes is what made her shut down quickly. Their child would never live in private. She would always be followed by her parents history. Mistress. The President's daughter. His kids with Mellie. It totally overwhelmed her and she shut the image out of her brain. She went back to work too soon . She ignored her cellphone that had Fitz calling her. She put her walls back up and they where higher than before.


	4. I don't know how to love you

She made her way home and expected to find him there. To her surprise she found the place empty. She didn't know if she felt relieved or disappointed. Her emotions where all over the place. She went to grab a bottle of wine, but as she reached out for it, she suddenly froze in her tracks. Tears started falling and she shook her head. She straightened up visibly , whiped the tears away and instead of the bottle, she reached out to get her phone. She dialed his number and when he answered she simply said : " Please come home, Fitz". His response was swift :" I'm on my way, be there in half n hour ".

It was 20 minutes later that he walked into her home. He found her sitting on the couch, looking small and forlorn. He took a seat next to her and wrapped her in his arms. She leaned against his chest and let his heartbeat sooth her. "Whats wrong Liv?" , he asked her when he saw her get a hold of her emotions better. She debated whether to tell him what was on her mind. She was terrified of her own feelings. When she stayed quiet, he took her face in his hands and told her to look at him :"Look at me, Liv." .She looked at him and his heart broke a little for he saw pain in her eyes. He looked at her earnestly and softly tried to reassure her :" Whatever it is, we can handle it together...I'm here for you, Livvie, I'm not going anywhere ". And out came the words :" I don't know how to love you. I can't love anyone. I'm not a good person and i don't deserve you. I want a child with you ,but we never can , cause i would so screw it up. I'm supposed to be the most powerful person of D.C., but i feel like i fail at everything. I don't even know what i want or what is right and what is wrong anymore."

He was a little shocked about all she said. She was _never_ one to open up easily and definitely not so freely. "Liv, you are very good at loving me...you are just scared to let yourself. And i get it, we have been through so much crap, so many mistakes made and all...but the one consistency in my life has been the way you love me...you see me, you have always seen me. And i think you love so much that it takes away a piece from yourself..." She cried softly and he whiped away her tears again. :"I'm lost, Fitz...i don't reconize myself anymore...i only see who i was when I'm with you. I hate who i have become". He kissed her gently on her soft lips. "You know what i think? I think you had to change to protect yourself after what you went through, after the kidnapping and everything that happend after that, the public scrutiny of us ..i think you had to... to survive. Mabye now you are ready to process everything, your parents, you always having been left behind...i think you are _so strong_ , that you are now ready to better yourself. And baby...i want to help you in any way i can. I love you so much and i want you to be happy. Whatever happy means for you. If it means staying in D.C. than i will stay. If it means Vermont, or any other place on the planet , than that's ok too. I'm so thankful that you love me. I'm so hopeful that we will come out of this together. And for a baby...i want whatever it is that you want. I think you would make a good mom, because i know how you love me. But if it scares you too much than i would be happy to have just us. Just us is already heaven on earth for me".

How did he do that? How did he always have such faith in them, in her ? And how did he always know how to take her fears away? She snuggled up closer to him and he wrapped his arms around her again, holding her securely. She thought about all he said. She had to admit that it hit close to home. He knew her better than she knew herself. It was much later when she had more to say :"Fitz...i want you to stay. I want to love you, even though it scares me". "Than i will stay", was his confident response.

 **So they made progress. Olivia is trying to open up to him, confused as she is. How would you guys like to continue this story?**

 **I need some inspiration ;)**


	5. Scared to death

She felt safe in his arms. She held onto him the whole night long, something she didn't do that often. They both felt like they had reached a new level in their relationship. In the late hours of the night they talked about Teddy and work. How to try make _this_ work. Olivia was scared to death living with Fitz, yet alone adding a young child who was not hers to the mix. And even Fitz realized that no matter that Teddy was mostly easy going, it would be best not to rush things too fast. Since she was already renting the apartment across from her, since her kidnapping, they decided to rent the last available apartment on her floor as well. It was a 2 bedroom apartment, very similar to hers and this way they could ease Teddy into being a joint family slowely and yet be close to each other. Secret service could stay in the apartment across the hall, an apartment that she never wanted to set foot in again anyway.

"So we are really doing this?", she heard him ask with some doubt in his voice. She kissed his chest to reasure him : " We are really doing this... .I love you." He felt the joy in his whole body when he responded : " I love you too, baby ."

When they woke up in the morning neither wanted to stay away from the other.

They reluctantly got ready for work. Fitz , always having been the more reckless one, called his secretary to cancel his appointments for the day, claiming he had business to attend at the White House today. When he hang up the phone Olivia poked him in his ribs : "Really ,Fitz?" He grinned wide : " Really, Liv", and than he gave her _that_ look, the one that told her exactly what he had on his mind. His hands already drifting down her body, pulling her closer to him. She kissed him deeply, before pushing him away slightly : " We don't have time right now , Mister President." He nuzzled her neck and gave her some kisses : " Mmmm, let's make time ." She was about to refuse him , but when his mouth found hers again, she couldn't help but kiss him back and her hands started unbuckling his belt, while his hands drifted into her slacks and gently pulled them down. Heartbeats racing, hands touching, tongues dueling. He sat down in her chair, while she straddled his lap. They where quick , passionate and in sync. It was only a short while later that they left out the door, still readjusting each others clothes. Getting onto the elevator with his security detail in front of them, he wrapped her in his arms and kissed her softly: " You are amazing, Miss Pope." She actually coloured, suddenly a little shy. "Fitz", she warned him, but he simply kissed her on her neck next, right where it always gave her goosebumps. She moaned softly : "You really don't play fair. " He laughed softly in her ear : " I promise i will behave if you make it up to me tonight, i can't get enough of you, baby ." She nodded her head, to shy to speak and it made him laugh even more and kiss her again, before she straightened up and took a small step back, but not before holding on to his hand, fingers intertwined. Walking into work ,still holding his hand, was a thrill. And even more so when Mellie and Jake where in the hallway to her office, apparently waiting for her. Jake looked bored and a bit pissed of, while Mellie sighted deeply before she schooled her features into acceptence. They needed her in the oval, she gave Fitz her bag and her coat and she kissed him briefly on his lips. He gave her his crooked smile and watched her transfer into workmode. Her smarts and power where always a turn on for him, not that he needed anymore turn ons where it concerned her. He took gleeful pleasure in seeing her ignore Jake's hand ready to rest on the small of her back walking to the oval ; he was even happier when he saw her move to Mellie's side instead. When she looked over her shoulder before closing the ovals door behind her , she blew him a kiss. He had a hard time recognizing this Olivia, but he liked it. He was all for open affection. He went to Olivia's office and decided to get some work done himself. It was some hours later , that he saw Olivia , Mellie and Cyrus walk back to him and they invited him up to the residence for lunch. He got a feeling of deja-vu getting on the elevator. But when he looked at Olivia he was pleased to see her step closer to him an she rested her hand on his lower back. She saw the emotions on his face and she pulled his face down with her free hand to let her lips linger on his mouth. She pulled his lip in her mouth for the briefest of seconds and she smiled when she heard him moan softly. " What's that?", Mellie asked to no-one in particular. Olivia answered authoritatively : " Nothing madame president. "

After they all set down to eat and business talk slowed down, Fitz took the opportunity to talk to Mellie about him wanting to bring Teddy to D.C . Mellie looked disinterested with the subject ; " A little vacation here? Sure." When Fitz corrected her as in moving here she looked confused : " Wait, what? Why would you move back to D.C.?" , she looked at him and saw him glance at Olivia. Olivia who looked very calm and secure in her seat next to him. Who kissed him intimately before looking at Mellie and she nodded her head once. To say Mellie and Cyrus where shocked was putting it mildly. Nobody doubted Olivia's love for Fitzgerald Grant the lll. They just weren't used to her being open about it. Fitz just put his arm around her shoulders and looked like the cat who stole the cream .

"Pass me the salt, please, Mellie?"


	6. I don't need this, i quit

**It's been since forever that i last had a chapter on this story, you might want to start over to remember;)** Mellie pursed her lips and her pleasant smile dissapeared :"I don't..."

Always so easy to read, Olivia cut her off immediatly: "Mellie, stop right there. Before you speak your mind, let me add a little information for you. You have nothing to gain if you deny Fitz's request. If you decide to stop his move to D.C., you will have to find a new Chief Of Staff effective immediatly. And you know you have never made a good decision on your own in your whole damned life. Without me you will be a lame duck President with zero cloud, no real power".

Mellie looked red and furious to be told off : "Liv, i don't need you to be succesful, i can manage on my own just fine".

Olivia shook her head :" You know what Mellie, i'm not here for this. Go ahead, do it all yourself. Fitz and Teddy don't have to move for me...i will move to them. I quit ".

Mellie's poised fork fell out of her hand, clanging onto her plate. Her mouth stuck in a little "ooo". Cyrus looked dumbstruck. Fitz just looked at Olivia : " Liv..." She turned to him and nodded her head : " I'm sure, baby, everything you said last night, is in Vermont...I'm ready, lets go."

They got up and simply left the White House, leaving their hard badges behind.

Once into her chauffeured car, on their way home, she had the biggest smile on her face that he had ever seen. She leaned towards him and kissed him intimately before saying : " I should had made that decision years ago ".

 **Okay, this was a super short chapter. I don't have much inspiration or time currently. Trying to finish my current stories a little bit. I know how dissapointed i get when a story just ends, so i'm trying to fix that in my own stories.** **I am hoping to add an epilogue to this eventually to wrap this one up. Happy in Vermont ofcourse.**

 ** _Please note that i write my stories from my cellphone app and spellcheck has somehow dissapeared. English is my 2nd language, sorry for bad spelling and errors in my stories._**


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